Monday, December 20, 2010

Spam: Ever wondered what would happen if you replied to one of those emails that solicit money?

Spam: Ever wondered what would happen if you replied to one of those emails that solicit money?

The African prince

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Delete This At Your Peril

FROM HIS ROYAL HIGHNEST, JACK THOMPSON

Dear sir,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business. I am JACK THOMPSON, only son of late King Arawi of tribal land. My father was a very wealthy traditional ruler, poisoned by his rivals. Before his death here in Togo he told me of a trunk containing $75m kept in a security company. I now seek a foreign partner where I will transfer the proceeds for investment as you advise. I am willing to offer 20% of the sum as a compensation for your effort/input and 5% for any expenses. Thanks and God bless,

JACK THOMPSON

From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Good morning your Majesty,

I want 30%, and not a penny less,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob,

See these percentages was arranged by the bank and not me. If you insist on getting 30% of the money i have to call the bank. Pls send your: FULL NAME. CONTACT PHONE NUMBER. ACCOUNT NUMBER. COUNTRY/STATE. I will be expecting those details. thanks.

JACK THOMPSON

From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Hello Jack,

I'm afraid I just cannot take my share in cash, too dangerous. I could take it in diamonds, gold, or livestock (lions). My neighbour, Frank Theplank, has a private zoo. He is willing to pay $80,000 for every lion I can get him,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob,

I have made arrangement in transporting the 4 lions to you. So give me your phone number for better communication and bank information,

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Hi Jack,

I just popped my head over the garden wall and had a word with Frank. He has asked me to pass on a few questions - Are they male or female? Are they in good physical condition? Do they talk? Thank you, my friend, and don't worry, I have booked in to see the bank manager tomorrow morning,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob,

Hope fine. Answer to the questions:

1. The lions are all male lions and are very healthy.

2. I don't think I have ever seen a lion that talks.

I don't know if you are also interested in leopards cause my friend works in the Government Zoo and he could find a leopard for you? Remember to speak to your bank tomorrow.

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Jack,

Frank just called, he will take the following - 4 lions, 2 leopards, 1 elephant, 1 alligator, 2 parrots, 1 hedgehog. And, of course, the talking lion? Frank has a good few quid. He's worked for me on various bits and bobs, and I've always looked after him, so I think we should put our necks out on this one and make sure the lions talk.

Bob

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob.

I will only be able to get: 4 lions, 2 leopards, 1 alligator. Bob, please send the £1,700 now. I think one of the lions may talk a little. Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Hello Jack,

Sorry about the delay. Frank wants to know a last couple of things - Can he call the lions "FANCY PANTS" and "BRYAN"? Do the leopards sing, and are they willing to wear clothes?

All the best babes,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob,

As for the lions, you can call them any name provided you shout when talking to them and always use the same name. And trained leopards like the one I have for you will wear any clothes you buy for them OK. Please send the money today,

Jack

From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Jack,

I have some bad news, my friend. I have just been to the bank and the guy there said that I cannot send you any money as I do not have any in my account. In actual fact, it turns out that I owe them over eight grand. I'm really sorry, Jack, I hope I haven't wasted your time, but I'm afraid that the deal is off. Good luck my friend, and good luck with the animals.

Love,

Bob

No reply

Russian lady #1

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Olga

Hello,

I look for someone who is looking for love! My name is Olga Goldovsky. I am 28, a person who loves to joke, attractive, suave and caring. I live in a wonderful part of our Earth named Chelyabinsk, in Ural mountains. My favourite colour is white, colour of innocence. My favourite flowers are white lilies and I wish that on my wedding day. I sincerely want to know you better and hope you want the same.

Best wishes,

Olga

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Olga,

What a welcome surprise. Tell me - are you athletic? Do you have any statistics (just basic stuff - 100m, hurdles, javelin) that you could offer in evidence?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

I am fine and very glad you answered. I'd like to devote my life to you, to give you my soul and body.

With kisses,

Olga

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Olga,

You are a wonderful woman, but we have a problem. I asked you a question you did not answer. If you want to be my wife, then it is vital that you listen to me, otherwise the whole house of cards will collapse directly into our eyeballs.

Bob

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

My dear Bob,

Dear, telling the truth, I didn't understand exactly your question. I dream often about having my own house but it is very expensive to do so. I am looking for full commitment, friendship and romance from you.

With tender thoughts,

Olga

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Olga,

I'll be honest, I'm surprised at just how forcefully you are throwing yourself into this relationship but you're such a cracking piece of skirt that you won't be getting any arguments from me. I think you are giving up a little easily on the housing issue.

Bob

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Dear Sir,

We inform you that Olga is our client. She uses our internet and translation services. She is very interested in you and further correspondence. The services we provide are: one month of unlimited correspondence - 200 USD; two months - 350 USD; three months - 500 USD.

Principal of "Lotos",

Sasha Malikov

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Sasha,

Thanks for getting in touch. I must say, it's very decent of her to let you use her email address. Olga is an absolute gem, isn't she?

Bob

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Dear Sir,

Olga comes to the firm every day and asks whether you write. Send money today, even $50, to get started. But do not hesitate too long. There is an English man who wants to take Olga on vacation already.

Sasha

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

You what?! Where's he taking her? You'd better warn him off, Sasha, I'm serious.

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

He is talking about taking her to Jamaica. If you are quick and pay money into your account, I can talk her into coming to your country if you add money enough for air fare.

Sasha

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Sasha,

This is going to knock your socks off. I want you AND Olga to come to Scotland. We are going to form a business. I can't get this English bigshot out of my head. I'm not a jealous man but I don't want Olga to arrive in Broughty Ferry and have just a tiny bit of her saying, "I wish I was in Jamaica." And I know you and Olga are two people who aren't interested in handouts.

I know I'm asking a lot. You've worked like a soldier to build up Lotos from scratch, but this could be an opportunity to get away from the madness of the Lotos office. What do you say?

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Bob,

Olga and I have considered this and decided that yes, we will both come to your country. The air fare for Olga is $1,400. I will pay my own air fare, but to close my business here is a fine of $2,000. Can you send by Western Union?

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Sasha,

Great news. I'll book Olga's flight directly. What's her passport number?

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Bob,

If you send me the money, then we will book Olga's flight here. Can you send the $3,400 today?

From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

What difference does it make if I just book it?

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

OK Bob,

YOU MUST SEND $3,400 THROUGH WESTERN UNION. Olga is worried and a little angry.

Sasha

From Bob Servant

To: Olga

I give up

No reply

The unmissable business opportunity

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are Lanzhou Global, a specialist in the production of rubber belts such as power transmission belts, conveyor belts, etc. We need agents to receive payment in bank wire transfers and to resend the money to us. You earn 10% from each operation. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to 3,000-4,000 pounds monthly.

Best regards,

Admin/Human Resources Manager,

Xiong Li

From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Hello there

My name is Bob Servant and I am a semi-retired window cleaner. I am very interested in working for your company. I have a big garage that I could convert into an office?

Many thanks,

Bob

PS What would be my job title?

PPS Is there a uniform?

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob,

Thanks a lot. Listen Bob, this job does not require your much time or space. You do not need a uniform for this and get 10% of each payment. You can give yourself any title you want. Please give us your full personal and banking details so we can get started with this now Bob, Thanks,

Xiong

From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Xiong,

I am an old-fashioned kind of man and as far as I'm concerned if you are working then you wear a uniform. What kind of look do you go for? Do you wear a suit or a branded tracksuit? I want something tight, that's vital. It makes me feel alert.

Your new employee, a proud member of the Lanzhou Team,

The Big Man, Bob Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Hello Big Man!

We are glad to have you as our staff, please send the information that we need. Do what you think is best for a uniform, Bob. We trust you. I wear a suit.

From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Xiong,

Hello boss! I have been trying like a bastard to find the right uniform for the job and I think I have it - a boilersuit that I bought for £30. I've really enjoyed my first two days of working for LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. It's been all go, but I have had a great time. I'll get to grips with the form tomorrow.

Yours loyally,

Bob

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Dear Bob,

The uniform sounds perfect. You should wear it when you are doing your business as you will look smart.

Bob, do not hesitate to send back your job application form. It is very important and we need this information for our system.

XIONG

From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Xiong,

I have been very, very busy. I know you want to get these forms done, but it's not all about paperwork in business, Xiong, you should know that. What we need, Xiong, is to let people know that we are here and we mean business. Rubber belt business.

I've started spreading the word locally. I have also been thinking about a staff night out. Obviously, as things stand there is just me here in the Scottish office, but I was thinking of inviting a couple of people. I think that Chinese would be the most appropriate, as I'm sure you agree!

Is that OK? Shall I just keep a receipt and send it over to you?

Your Faithful Employee and Friend,

Bob Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Bob,

Thank you again for your hard work for the company. I think that the party is a good idea, and yes we would prefer you to eat at a Chinese restaurant. But Bob, you have still not given us your national insurance number, bank account information and phone number right away.

Please hurry Bob

Xiong

From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Xiong,

My friend. We've had some good times together. We've laughed and joked and worked damn hard to get LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD the respect that it undoubtedly deserves. But things change, my friend. I'd like to place on record how much I have enjoyed my time working with LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. I suppose this is goodbye, Xiong. I will never, ever forget you.

Your ex-employee but lifelong friend,

Bob "Xiong" Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Hi, How are you? I know from the start you are a clown, I laugh a lot when i read from you.

From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Hello there,

Yes, I was pulling your leg. All the very best with the old "Lanzhou" line. If you don't mind me saying so, I think it needs a bit of polishing. Tell me, where are you from and do many people actually fall for this stuff?

Stay strong,

Bob Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Hello Bob,

Of course many people do fall for it, you know lots of gimimicks now and you make your cash. I am from Malaysia, tell me more about you.

No reply

Russian lady #2

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Hello! I hope that you have good day and good mood. I want to tell a little about myself now. My name is Natalia. I'm 25, I live In Russia. I hope to find the serious relations with the man in the internet. I live with my grandmother.

Your friend Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Natalia,

Thank you for your entertaining letter. It sounds to me like you and your grandmother have wonderful lives over there in Russia.

Bob "Bob" Servant

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Dear Bob.

My grandmother is sick a little and today I shall prepare the Chinese hen and vegetable salad.

Probably you love the tasty foodstuffs. We have proverb: "The way to heart of the man passes through his stomach!" Therefore I shall reach your heart with the help of my culinary abilities. It is a joke!!! Now I go on kitchen. I hope, my grandmother will be pleased. She is a little sick and I am scared some for her.

Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Natalia,

Thanks a lot for that joke. It was top class. If you keep them coming, we'll get along just fine.

I hope your meal with your grandmother went well. She sounds like a real character and I'm sure she enjoyed her Chinese hen. She bloody loves that stuff and she always has. But that's her all over, she's just very good fun.

Bob

Russian lady #3

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Lovely Bob,

Your letter was such warm. I love to dance and dream that sometime I shall dance a waltz with you. You imagine, in a black tuxedo, me in a white dress, we softly addressed to each other in eyes.

You would like to dance with me a waltz?

Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Natalia,

I would give everything I own to dance a waltz with you at a big fancy do. Imagine, my dear - you in a cocktail dress and myself in an old, ill-fitting tuxedo far too tight around my bottom that hitched halfway up my shins as I walked and made it hard for me to breathe. It would be so beautiful, Natalia, a real fairy-tale ending to this whole courting business.

All the best,

Bob

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Hi my lovely friend Bob.

My grandmother has bad health. I today have visited church and has put a candle, that you always were accompanied with good luck. I also put candle for my grandmother. I must go now to care for her.

Yours, Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

How's tricks badgerface? I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope she doesn't get ill in such a way that would mean you'd have to ask me for a few quid. Though I'm sure that won't happen.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Greetings Bob

My grandmother is in hospital in a critical condition. The doctor gives us the list which we should buy medicines. If we do not buy everything, grandmother die. Help me please my love. I very much strongly love you. And we required beside $450US more.

Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

My Darling, this is terrible news. Who could have seen this coming? Your grandmother is a fantastic little chap. Tell her to be strong and to hang on. Because... I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU . That's right Natalia, I'm coming to Russia! Tell me what medicines your grandmother needs asap. I am going to the travel agents this afternoon.

Bob Servant x x

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Hello My Love Bob.

I am glad that you to want to arrive to me to Russia. But Russia the dangerous country with terror and murder frequently to kidnap. Buying the medicine would be better and faster. It is just $450 and for a businessman like you this might be OK?

Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Natalia,

Russia sounds really terrible. I can understand your fear for me but I would be a coward of a man if I refused to come there. Your grandmother is clearly the priority. Where do you live exactly Natalia, and do I need any jabs?

Bob

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Bob,

My grandmother is very sick, you must send the money for the medicine or the doctor says she will die. You can visit later to me or I come to your country. For now we must have $450US for medicine.

Please quick

Natalia

From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Natalia,

I had a good think about it on the bus home and I have decided, reluctantly, that I can't come to Russia and, frankly, I shouldn't let myself get wrapped up in the whole sorry mess. I hope you and your grandmother get through this. I'm sure you will as you are a tough couple of blighters.

Yours,

Bob Servant

No reply

 

 



 

Saturday, December 18, 2010

What's All This Ruckus about Gays in the Military?

What’s All This Ruckus about Gays in the Military?

 

I don't give an airborne fornication about gays in military. Just want my phone to work. I have my priorities. We’ll need new ranks now that gays will be OK in the military. Let’s start with Stiff Sergeant. Or here’s another: Rear Admiral. That gives an all new meaning to the rank of seamen. Actually, I don't think they'll ever talk about troops "bringing up the rear" anymore. Or how about U.S.N. Chief Pretty Officer?

 

OK. All is calm. All is bright. That should stir up a little hate mail.

 

 



 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,

When 24 hours in a day is not enough;

remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

 

A professor stood before his philosophy class

and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,

he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar

and started to fill it with golf balls..

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured

it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again

if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand

and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded

With an unanimous 'yes.'

 

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table

and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively

filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

 

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,

'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

 

The golf balls are the important things - God, family, friends, health, and favorite passions

Things that if everything else was lost

and only they remained, your life would still be full.

 

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car..

 

The sand is everything else --

The small stuff.

 

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,

'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

 

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

You will never have room for the things that are

important to you.

 

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time

to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

 

'Take care of the golf balls first --

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

 

One of the students raised her hand

and inquired what the coffee represented.

 

The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

 

 

George Dorunda
864-488-0140
DORUNDA.COM

 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Christmas Downsizing

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.]

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

George Dorunda
864-488-0140
DORUNDA.COM

 

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Great Darkness Crisis

The Great Darkness Crisis

 

I first noticed it sometime around the end of June this year. I started paying attention and created computer models and sure enough I was right! We are losing daylight at an astonishing rate. Each day we are losing approximately 2 minutes of day light and my computer models predict total darkness by next July.

 

I have been able to detect this phenomenon around the entire Northern Hemisphere. And here is the scary part: the day light appears to be leaking to the Southern Hemisphere.

 

The northern hemisphere is losing two minutes of sunlight every day, and if this crisis continues, we will be in total darkness by June. The data indicates drastic changes to the environment that have already started:

 

Many species of birds, millions of individual birds have left the northern hemisphere. The impact of the loss of these birds is unimaginable.

 

Insect life has been severely affected. Most can no longer be observed.

 

Large mammals have been observed lying in a state of near death torpor in their dens.

 

Crop production has fallen to dangerously low levels, and the models and the research predict famine in the very near future.

 

Additionally, while not indicated by the computer models, actual eyewitness observations have discovered that most, if not all, leaves have fallen off trees in the researcher's area.

 

These and other effects of the loss of daylight demand our immediate attention if we are to prevent a genuine climate catastrophe.

 

There are those who disagree with the scientific computer models saying that this is cyclical and that the daylight is going to come back. Those people are clearly deniers of this disaster. Legions of scientists have run this on their models, and there is no question that we are losing daylight.

 

Consensuses of scientists are extremely alarmed and concerned about this crisis that we are losing daylight in the entire northern hemisphere, not just in the United States.

 

Note: This has not been linked to climate change. Something other than climate change is causing this leakage of sunlight.

 

This is a genuine emergency! The Supreme Court must force the government to begin releasing some of the daylight they have been saving and storing under the mandated "Daylight Savings Plan." Total darkness and everything that would result from it will occur by next June if we do not enact policies now that change this leakage. Contact your Senators and Congressmen now.

 

 

George Dorunda
864-488-0140
DORUNDA.COM
Healthy Edge